Fault Lines
9 December 2018
farrar masturbation

Potential Misdemeanor Masturbation in Texas

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

If a sperm is wasted

God gets quite irate

Every Sperm is Sacred,” Monty Python’s “The Meaning of Life”

March 16, 2017 (Fault Lines) — The above lyrics might not represent Texas’s official position on masturbation, but they hit home with Representative Jessica Farrar’s recent satirical legislation. Her proposed “Man’s Right to Know Act” would fine guys $100 every time they flogged the one-eyed bishop.

According to the Texas Tribune, Representative Farrar is an “outspoken proponent of abortion rights.” She’s also not happy with a Texas Health and Safety law called the “Women’s Right to Know Act,” which heavily regulates abortions in Texas. The law with which Representative Farrar takes issue includes informing women about the prospective baby daddy’s child support obligations, a sonogram, and receipt of a booklet called “A Woman’s Right to Know.”

Representative Farrar’s proposal is to create a similar law for men seeking vasectomies, colonoscopies, or Viagra prescriptions. According to the text of HB 4260, the following is required for the upcoming “A Man’s Right to Know” booklet.

The  booklet will contain scientific information that must be verified and supported by research that is recognized as medically accurate, objective, and complete by the National Institutes of Health and affiliated organizations. The booklet must contain medical information related to the benefits and concerns of a man seeking a vasectomy, Viagra prescription, or a colonoscopy. The booklet must contain artistic illustrations of each procedure. [Emphasis added]

For those of you following along at home, Representative Farrar wants Texas taxpayer dollars spent on graphically depicting a dude’s dick getting sliced open and a tube shoved up his ass. It’s unclear what the “artistic depiction” of getting a Viagra prescription will entail. A safe bet would involve a Jack Chick-style comic strip of a guy admitting he can’t hoist the flagpole to full mast, and a doctor writing a prescription for boner pills costing around $300 retail.

The booklet isn’t the worst of Representative Farrar’s proposals. If you want to get a colonoscopy, vasectomy, or Viagra prescription, the “Man’s Right to Know Act” requires that a doctor anally rape you before you obtain the medical care you seek.

An attending physician must administer a medically-unnecessary digital rectal exam and magnetic resonance imagining of the rectum before administering an elective vasectomy or colonoscopy procedure, or prescribing Viagra. This digital rectal exam and rectal sonogram must take place during the initial health care consultation before an elective vasectomy is performed, a prescription is given for Viagra, or a colonoscopy is performed. [emphasis added]

Want to make sure you don’t have kids? Is your family at risk for colorectal cancer and you’d like to take proactive measures to ensure your longevity? The “Man’s Right to Know Act” would require your submission to a doctor shoving his fingers up your ass and an MRI before a vasectomy or colonoscopy. Never mind the latter procedure already involves shoving something into a biologically created exit hole. If the “Man’s Right to Know Act” became law, the doctor’s fingers go up your ass before the tube.

Having passed the “graphic illustrations” and “anal rape” portion of Representative Farrar’s bill, we now turn to the section criminalizing choking one’s chicken. If your sperm isn’t collected inside a woman’s vagina, or in a hospital for the purposes of allowing a woman to conceive, you’re fined $100 per act and labeled as someone who failed to preserve the sanctity of life.

Masturbatory emissions created in health or medical facilities will be stored for the purposes of conception for a current or future wife […] Emissions outside of a woman’s vagina, or created outside of a health or medical facility, will be charged a $100 civil penalty for each emission, and will be considered an act against an unborn child, and failing to preserve the sanctity of life.

The problem with the proposed legislation, even if it is “proposed satirical regulation,” is that its passage would criminalize activity that doesn’t harm the “sanctity of life.” Representative Farrar claims she never intended to criminalize masturbation. The bill is a method of starting a discussion over the different obstacles men and women face receiving health care.

“What I would like to see is this make people stop and think,” Farrar told The Texas Tribune. “Maybe my colleagues aren’t capable of that, but the people who voted for them, or the people that didn’t vote at all, I hope that it changes their mind and helps them to decide what the priorities are.”

Here’s the elephant in the room for Representative Farrar. What if people actually do stop and think her legislation is a good idea? What if the bill hits the governor’s desk and is signed into law? Her “discussion” turned something that harms no one, an act most guys do out of sight and away from public view, into a crime.

If a sperm is wasted, God might be irate. That doesn’t give Jessica Farrar carte blanche to introduce legislation that might criminalize behavior harming no human being, even if it’s to further a discussion about inequality in health care treatment.

3 Comments on this post.

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  • Richard G. Kopf
    16 March 2017 at 9:53 am - Reply


    With one exception, it is my fervent hope that the bill passes as drafted. But, Representative Farrar should be open to friendly amendments increasing the penalties.

    It is past time that Texas protects men from themselves!

    All the best.


    If you doubt one of the horrors sought to be eradicated by HB 4260, I urge to watch “My entire vasectomy (START to FINISH)” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3NBd-PJKpBo By the way, don’t be fooled by the pretty music that pro-v groups use to disguise the savagery.

    • shg
      16 March 2017 at 9:58 am - Reply

      I will never click on a link from you again, Judge. Never.

    • Chris Seaton
      16 March 2017 at 10:21 am - Reply


      I disagree with your position, but do see merit in your words. The bill would essentially penalize another form of abuse, “self-abuse.” We criminalize all other types of abuse, why not go the Full Monty?

      And I’m going to second SHG on clicking on links you put out there. Never again. Ever.